Harry Potters Baywatch Adventure
by KSO
Summary: When Harry is expelled from Hogwarts for placing A "Kick Me" sign on Snapes back, he decides to join Baywatch.
1. Trouble in Snape's Class

Chapter One   
  
Trouble in Snape's Class  
  
Author's Sian Cain and Lauren Waldhuter  
  
  
  
Harry laughed to himself as he drew up the KICK ME sign he planned to stick on Snape's bum during Potions- and hopefully for the remainder of the day. Suddenly Ron walked in,  
  
"Hey Harry, what's up"  
  
"Oh nothing- just the most clever plan in Hogwarts history to completely and utterly humiliate Snape."  
  
"Oh Right. Can I help? "  
  
"Sure!"  
  
But as usual, Hermione just HAD to walk in at the worst possible moment: now, muttering about the mark she had got for her Charms homework. "Just can't believe...stupid-of all answers." She spotted Harry and Ron sitting at the desk. "What are you two up to?"  
  
"What-"Ron whirled around. "Oh. Err...Good day Hermione. What a wonderful and bright, colourful morning this day is-"  
  
"OK." snapped Hermione. "What is it this time?" "But nothing, dear Hermione." Harry grinned, catching Ron¹s idea. "Why do you ask? We wouldn't do anything that would cause breaking or harming school rules."  
  
"I never mentioned breaking rules." snapped Hermione. "Let me guess it' s another of those most clever plans in Hogwarts history to completely and utterly humiliate Snape." Hermione now had her hands on her hips and was shaking her head.  
  
"No, no of course not what ever gave you that id- yes" Ron said.  
  
³Excellent.² Hermione exclaimed, ³can I help? ²  
  
³Er- yeah- sure.² said Harry a little puzzled. It was not like Hermione to actually want to break rules- well not for fun anyway.  
  
The next day in potions, the Kick Me sign had been planted when Harry had pretended to trip over Malfoy's foot and go flying into Professor Snape¹s Bum. Harry was not actually looking forward to cleaning up Frogs eyes with professor Snape, that night for Detention- but it was totally worth it!  
  
The best thing happened in 2 minutes time. Professor Snape had to find a document for Professor Dumbledore in the filing cabinet and it just happened to be in the bottom draw. It didn't take long for everyone to realise that there was a huge kick me, written in bright pink, signed, by Malfoy(Well duh, Harry wrote it). A huge snort from Seamus Finnigan made Snape stop waggling his bum in the air and turn around to glare at Seamus.  
  
³What, ² he snarled. ³What¹s so funny? ²  
  
He glared at every one. ³Whats so hilarious?²  
  
The bad thing that happened in those 2 minutes was that Snape happened to notice when he was itching a certain spot, that his bum was feeling a bit different than usual; a bit like...like...paper?  
  
He ripped the sign of and glared at it. He would have noticed the ³I did this! Signed Draco Malfoy! ² but chose to ignore it. He knew who did it and it happened to be the one, sitting 3 rows away, with the innocent, puppy dog look on his face.  
  
³HARRY POTTER!² He bellowed, which some fith year students swore they could here three stories up in Defence Against Dark Arts class.  
  
³Yes sir? May I mention that I did not find that funny one bit and that aftershave really smells good on you-²  
  
³Cut the crap, Potter." I'm not even wearing after shave! Stop sucking up and tell me, what gave you the desire to stick this on my-err...upper thigh?²  
  
³Sir I would never do that. Also can I mention that those boxer shorts bring out the colour in you eyes?²  
  
³What!?² Snape looked down and pulled his trousers back up. ³Anyway, Draco Malfoy comes from a respectable family and would never do anything like- like this!² He pointed at the sign.  
  
³Thankyou sir.²  
  
³Shutup Mr Malfoy!!²  
  
The next thing Harry could remember was being whisked away to Dumbledore's office as fast as he could say ³Kick Me² as Snape had described it.  
  
³Mr Potter² Dumbledore sighed as he looked over his half moon spectacles.  
  
³Y-yes² Harry stuttered, he had never been so scared in his life.  
  
³You understand, that I have stuck up for you many times before and th-²  
  
suddenly there was a knock on Dumbledore's office door.  
  
³Enter² said Dumbledore.  
  
In burst Snape with Ron and Hermione. Snape had a grin on his face that suggested that he had just been awarded the Order of Merlin First class.  
  
³May I add that there is no reasonable explanation for what Harry did and-² Snape objected.  
  
³Well Professor, we don¹t actually know that Harry did it.²  
  
³But it is totally obvious.²  
  
³But we have no proof . You may now leave.²  
  
Snape left and muttered something which sounded like ³stupid ugly Potter favouring git² which lucky for Snape Dumbledore didn¹t hear, and if he did, Snape would have been out of Hogwarts faster than he could say ³stupid ugly Potter favouring git².  
  
³Ahh, yes Mr Weasley Miss Granger.² Dumbledore started ³Mr Potter here exclaims that he did not place the sign on Mr Snape's- err lower half. Is that true? Mr Weasley, you first.²  
  
³Er- well, of course Harry didn¹t do it, but I did see-² he paused for a second ³Seamus, looking a bit suspi-²  
  
³Yes thankyou, Mr Weasley, I did not ask who did it, I was just asking if Mr Potter did²  
  
Well Harry was relieved, he had really hoped Ron wouldn¹t tell, Hermione wouldn¹t of course, but well, he was saved.  
  
³Miss Granger, you next²  
  
³Of course they did, I didn¹t of course, I would not ever taunt a teacher like that. But yes they did, they BOTH did².  
  
Harry felt like Christmas was cancelled. Hermione- tell on him!!  
  
³Well, Mr Potter, Mr Weasley, it looks like Miss Granger here has told me the truth² Dumbledore continued ³ and i¹m am sorry to say, that Hogwarts does not tolerate behaviour like that, and I am sorry to say, but you two are EXPELLED!  
  
Harry walked along the road. What was he going to do! He couldn¹t go back to the Dursleys, maybe he could stay with Sirius, no he was on the run, he couldn¹t slow him down. He wondered and wondered, until he saw that sign.  
  
To be continued 


	2. The first Audition

Hi fellow fan-fictioners. Here it is, Harry's Baywatch adventure Chapter two! Where we left off, Harry and Ron had just been expelled from Hogwarts, after placing a Kick-Me sign on Professor Snape's back during potions.  
  
Chapter Two: The First Audition.  
  
Harry read it again, but no matter how many times he read it, it still said the same.  
  
YOUNG MALE, PREFEBLY FROM AGES 12-16 TO STAR IN THE ENGLISH SERIES OF BAYWATCH. AUDITIONS ON SUNDAY THE 23RD OF JULY, IN THE LONDON TOWN HALL. 2345 HINDLEY STREET, LONDON.  
  
This was perfect, Harry had always wanted to star in Baywatch, and this was his chance. He read the sign for the 1,004,234,678,357 time, he was Fourteen so the age was perfect, but how was he going to get to London in time? Suddenly he saw Cho-Chang in front of him, gliding along on her broomstick apparently going to Hogsmade. This may be the last time that he saw her and he just had to do it, he was really nervous! "Hey Cho!" he called out, Cho stopped, stunned and noticing who it was, got off her broomstick. "Hey Harry. I heard you were expelled, that's too bad, I was going to get you to meet me in a cupboard later tonight so we could-" "GIVE ME YOUR BROOMSTICK OR I'LL PEFORM THE CRITICUS CURSE ON YOU!!" Harry yelled, desperately hoping that the last word of that sentence was Study, otherwise, he had just blown the biggest chance he had ever had. "What!?" replied Cho, both confused and afraid. "I said, GIVE YOUR BROOMSTICK OR I'LL PEFORM THE CRITICUS CURSE ON YOU, and believe me I will." "Fine then, Take it!" shrieked Cho and ran away, at what seemed like 100km and hour! Harry, relieved hopped on the broomstick and flew to London. He hopped off in an ally way, and for anyone that saw him on the broomstick, he performed a simple Memory charm. Some of the memory charms didn't work and one lady walked off muttering something about chickens juggling chainsaws, and singing the national anthem.  
  
He ran over to the building in his best Baywatch run, hoping that somebody would know him and hire him straight away. Sadly no-one did and he filed into the building with the rest of the boys.  
  
For his act, he had decided to sing silver bells while running across he stage to a fake cardboard girl in a bikini, which he had conjured up with his wand. His act went pretty well and when he walked off the stage, everybody cheered. After the auditions he walked along the street wondering where he was going to stay and were Ron was. He was just fantasising how good gnawing on a chicken bone would be when somebody called out to him. "Hey Harry, is that you?" He turned around and saw Ron waving while running up to him. "Hiya Ron" Harry replied, glad to see a friendly face. "What's up!" Ron replied, and they both did the friendly handshake. "So Harry, did you just go into the Baywatch auditions, are they over? Oh no, I was going to audition!!!! Oh well, how do you think you went? I hope you did well. Actually do you have a place to stay, 'cause actually I don't, could I stay with you?" He said all this very fast and finally Harry replied, "No".  
  
After catching up, they found a comfy ditch and settled down. For dinner they made a fire and had some old socks that they found in a dumpster. They tasted great with a little bit of mould sprinkled on the top.  
  
The next Morning, Harry was woken up by a postman delivering him a letter. "Oi, are you 'Arry Potter" said the man "'cause I as got a letta for' ya' Harry sat up. The letter had BAYWATCH ENGLAND, written on the corner, and immediately Harry knew who it was from. He opened the letter, and read it.  
  
Authors Note: Well there you have it, Chapter two. Find out if Harry has accomplished his dream next chapter. TO BE CONTINUED! 


	3. A complete waste of time and a visit fro...

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